My mind is like a sea…a dark sea of confusion! And every
second I try to think, my thoughts slam in to me like a hard tidal wave, making
me tumble and difficult to move past the thoughts so I can reach the point of
freeing my mind! But it won’t stop, it builds up and smacks me down once
again…creating a war in my mind!
I’m walking…walking in the middle of a road…a highway! It’s
empty and the lights are dim, they look like narrowed eyes looking over me and
they make me feel small! …I feel dark, inside and out! I have dark thoughts and
I’m wearing black, black t-shirt, black jeans, black coat and black boots!
Because they carry the same colour of the sea in my mind…a black sea! The sky
is covered with darkness, as if the moon has left the sky to enjoy its own
company and spend some time with its self…left alone captured in the dark! Just
like myself.
I have my headphones and my Ipod…nothing else, no phone, no
bag, no purse, no keys! I’ve left…like I’ve left for eternity, surrendering
myself to the dark side of my mind, letting myself drown in the thoughts I have
racing in my mind and making me blind because I can’t seem to catch up to their
speed! As I cuddle into my coat which is the only thing that surrounds me with
security, I still feel that I have some hope! My eyes… my eyes are still
shinning with hope, trying to smile no matter the heart breaks I’ve felt and
caused someone to feel…
I pull out my Ipod and try to release the tension by
pressing play so that the music can sting my ear as if I’ll become deaf and
make me forget everything, everyone and myself!
I walk on a straight line, looking forward but nowhere else…
I’m searching…searching for the light! The light of freedom! I start to feel
wet, but not cold! I feel the water landing on my face gently and soft as the
beat in the music brings my emotions back to life and suddenly, my inner
goddess moves up to make my inner peace some space…
I still can’t escape my thoughts and it hurts to think that
I’m fighting for relief… “Why can’t everything be fine for a moment?”
...Questions appear just like before…I’ve been through this, but wasn’t ready
for the second time…not yet! I break my fear and turn my head to my left and my
right and finally turn and look behind me to see if it really is only me…alone
in the dark!
Yes! I’m on my own, and I have a thought of
appreciation…appreciating the loneliness…My own personal space is there for me
to enjoy and so I give in…
It’s either me or them! But I choose myself, my own
happiness, my ego is what comes before than anyone else…friends, family and
love! It is me who I care for…even for a moment I will enjoy my own being…
The music is soft and has a beat that pulls my soul in to
the light, and I walk straight, step by step feeling closer…closer to the
light! Warmth comes over my body and I feel hot… black is not what I see
through my eyes, my pulse gets heavy and so I start to undress... Taking my
coat off, I drop it to the floor and I feel light, like it was a heavy burden
on my shoulders, handing my security in someone else’s hands…why can’t I
protect myself?
I want to feel naked! Give in to my thoughts and not give a
damn! So I continue…my hands pull off my t-shirt and I feel my skin…soft and
yearning… yearning for a touch, a touch that would light me up and make me feel
alive! My t-shirt drops to the floor and so I move my shoes off and feel the
wet floor…I want to touch the earth! Feel its warmth as much as I can…And I
slide down my jeans so my body is soaked in water and feel fresh! All the
darkness is washed off of me slowly, inch by inch, every corner of my body is
purified…step by step! I take everything off that is left and I am bare… Left
in skin, I feel empowered! It’s my body against the darkness… I can feel my
body lighting up!
I’m free…free of unnecessary additions on my body and the
thought of being reborn comes to mind… The song picks up a beat so positive I
can’t resist but touch my warm, wet body and let go…
“Life is like
music for its own sake. We are living in an eternal now, and when we listen to
music we are not listening to the past, we are not listening to the future, we
are listening to an expanded present…”
I cry…cry until the rain is combined with my tears and it’s
all washed away as I see the light… It burns my eyes but it gives me pleasure…
the pleasure of how something that might hurt you or might hurt someone can
become happiness for another…someone else which can be you or them!
Once again I turn and look back…my eyes full of inspiration
and courage…
I remind myself that no matter what, it will always be;
Me, myself and…I!
