When did I get so cynical?

My mind is like a sea…a dark sea of confusion! And every second I try to think, my thoughts slam in to me like a hard tidal wave, making me tumble and difficult to move past the thoughts so I can reach the point of freeing my mind! But it won’t stop, it builds up and smacks me down once again…creating a war in my mind!

I’m walking…walking in the middle of a road…a highway! It’s empty and the lights are dim, they look like narrowed eyes looking over me and they make me feel small! …I feel dark, inside and out! I have dark thoughts and I’m wearing black, black t-shirt, black jeans, black coat and black boots! Because they carry the same colour of the sea in my mind…a black sea! The sky is covered with darkness, as if the moon has left the sky to enjoy its own company and spend some time with its self…left alone captured in the dark! Just like myself.

I have my headphones and my Ipod…nothing else, no phone, no bag, no purse, no keys! I’ve left…like I’ve left for eternity, surrendering myself to the dark side of my mind, letting myself drown in the thoughts I have racing in my mind and making me blind because I can’t seem to catch up to their speed! As I cuddle into my coat which is the only thing that surrounds me with security, I still feel that I have some hope! My eyes… my eyes are still shinning with hope, trying to smile no matter the heart breaks I’ve felt and caused someone to feel…

I pull out my Ipod and try to release the tension by pressing play so that the music can sting my ear as if I’ll become deaf and make me forget everything, everyone and myself!

I walk on a straight line, looking forward but nowhere else… I’m searching…searching for the light! The light of freedom! I start to feel wet, but not cold! I feel the water landing on my face gently and soft as the beat in the music brings my emotions back to life and suddenly, my inner goddess moves up to make my inner peace some space…

I still can’t escape my thoughts and it hurts to think that I’m fighting for relief… “Why can’t everything be fine for a moment?” ...Questions appear just like before…I’ve been through this, but wasn’t ready for the second time…not yet! I break my fear and turn my head to my left and my right and finally turn and look behind me to see if it really is only me…alone in the dark!

Yes! I’m on my own, and I have a thought of appreciation…appreciating the loneliness…My own personal space is there for me to enjoy and so I give in…

It’s either me or them! But I choose myself, my own happiness, my ego is what comes before than anyone else…friends, family and love! It is me who I care for…even for a moment I will enjoy my own being…

The music is soft and has a beat that pulls my soul in to the light, and I walk straight, step by step feeling closer…closer to the light! Warmth comes over my body and I feel hot… black is not what I see through my eyes, my pulse gets heavy and so I start to undress... Taking my coat off, I drop it to the floor and I feel light, like it was a heavy burden on my shoulders, handing my security in someone else’s hands…why can’t I protect myself?

I want to feel naked! Give in to my thoughts and not give a damn! So I continue…my hands pull off my t-shirt and I feel my skin…soft and yearning… yearning for a touch, a touch that would light me up and make me feel alive! My t-shirt drops to the floor and so I move my shoes off and feel the wet floor…I want to touch the earth! Feel its warmth as much as I can…And I slide down my jeans so my body is soaked in water and feel fresh! All the darkness is washed off of me slowly, inch by inch, every corner of my body is purified…step by step! I take everything off that is left and I am bare… Left in skin, I feel empowered! It’s my body against the darkness… I can feel my body lighting up!

I’m free…free of unnecessary additions on my body and the thought of being reborn comes to mind… The song picks up a beat so positive I can’t resist but touch my warm, wet body and let go…

“Life is like music for its own sake. We are living in an eternal now, and when we listen to music we are not listening to the past, we are not listening to the future, we are listening to an expanded present…”

I cry…cry until the rain is combined with my tears and it’s all washed away as I see the light… It burns my eyes but it gives me pleasure… the pleasure of how something that might hurt you or might hurt someone can become happiness for another…someone else which can be you or them!

Once again I turn and look back…my eyes full of inspiration and courage…

I remind myself that no matter what, it will always be;

Me, myself and…I! 

Guilty Pleasures

The thought of “him” manages to haunt her mind ever since she saw him for the first time among hundreds of people, however, in all these years, through all the things she went through with a boy, it was only him who made her feel that so called “once in a lifetime” emotion which was so intense and electrifying, it was pure desire rushing through her veins and racing through her heart, expressed on her face as deep, distant, silent, mysterious looks they would give each other each time she would walk across him as if she craved for a daily dose of that glimpse to feel the passion she still has in her… It comes alive, awakening her inner goddess! Every time he looks right back at her, she fears that he would understand everything in just a look so sharp, it feels as if he sees straight through her…reading her mind, her secret…the darkest, deepest, most intense, disturbing, erotic and passionate thoughts she has in mind whenever she thinks of him…her fantasies!

And it all happens in just a blink of an eye...

Everyone lives an ordinary day which starts simple, just like that one common answer everyone has, “same shit-different day” and suddenly after a little thing everything that happened until that moment changes in to either the best or the worst day someone could ever live without having no expectations. Well…her day changed into what can be called “heaven is a place on earth”!

She wakes up to an ordinary day with no sunlight to make her feel motivated and positive so that she can plan something extraordinary to do, and feel live and fresh! Her day goes by in the house, doing the usual, cleaning and of course attending her facebook and twitter sessions. Even though she knows very well that she won’t be doing nothing than just staying indoors, she still has the urge to do make up and get dressed to feel slightly…good about herself when she stares in to the mirror looking at her reflection showing an unpleasant look she wants to erase! As time runs, the day nearly comes to an end by doing absolutely nothing, until she receives a phone call that makes her heart jump, as if that was all she needed to feel…alive!  Her day begins at that very moment and she realizes that she has the chance to live the whole day again in just an hour! At least what she will be feeling in that short time space will be worth every second she wasted in the past 8 hours of that day. She knows…she can feel it, this day will be one of the best!

Luckily, she doesn’t need to spend time on her appearance because she was already pampered up to satisfy herself without the intention of going out and being able to see…him! She’s confused…not knowing how to feel about the situation where she will be going to the hair salon the guy works in with a friend of hers for the first time. Before, she knew that all she could do was to walk by and take a look at him for only more than 40 seconds and not being able to appreciate what she sees…his beauty, his golden blonde hair which is perfectly styled matching his own style with his fitted black jeans and t-shirt, his red Converses and of course his perfect skin covered with a sleeve tattoo on his right arm. And so she picks up her bag, puts on her high heels and heads straight to the mall where her inner goddess will finally be able to celebrate the beauty of god’s creation which is sent to be watched in admiration.

The sun is bright and the sky is blue, making a perfect combination to feel the positive joy of life and once again she falls in love with the city as she walks towards the mall and she enters with a million dollar smile on her face and courage she never felt before…It was time to make him realize her perfection just as much as she knew about his… As she sees her friend waiting outside the salon everything turns in to slow motion and all she can hear is the soft, seductive music playing with a beat that sounds like her heart…racing! With just one step through the doors, everything becomes brighter like the sun has burst in to a million pieces, burning in to her eyes, shining so bright that all she can make out from all the light is him! He stands there realizing her existence and watching her carefully, his eyes analyzing her expressions and following her to see where she will sit or stand. She takes a seat where the guests can wait while the customers are being groomed. Her spot was perfect! Her view was amazing and breathe taking. He was just in front of her doing what he was born to do which made him look even more GOD-like.

She’s fallen deep in to the visions she can see of him just moving perfectly, giving her a look which cuts her breath and leaves her vulnerable in his eyes while he carries on doing his work. As the boy gives her the longest look they share, she replies with a small smile reflecting her fear of not knowing what do to or what to express so he could understand…all she wanted was…“HIM”…craving with thirst and hunger to taste and feel his being! After that striking look he gives her, he starts to take steps, steps that are directed towards her looking like as if he wants to say something, and just as he is about to open his mouth, his eyes are narrow and in a blink of an eye, everyone vanishes! It’s him, her and white noise! Silence became a commonality as they felt the power of attraction pulling them closer to each other and deeper into their eyes. She stiffens and takes a step closer to him so that he knows that she wants him and both of them are aware that it’s only their existence wherever they are…no one else, just them!

They can’t hold back and the music blasting through the speakers is so intense she feels by looking in to his eyes she can reach her climax but she wants more…she wants more of him to herself, now that she has him alone and he is willing to give himself in, she makes the move! They slam in to each other as if this was “meant” to happen! Touching each other’s skin, feeling the purity, the warmth, the electric which felt like lightening every time their tongues would meet, the taste of their delicious scents combining in to wild flavors, pulling on each other’s hair to prove how much they desire each other pulling their bodies closer to feel as if they have become one! It was all she could have dreamed of, and even better, it was…passion! She can feel his fingers digging in to her skin on her thighs as he pushes her back on to himself and she scratches him from pleasure clenching her hands on his back and so he pushes her in to the wall to make her feel helpless, knowing that he is her only way in to escape and so she gives herself to him…with such freedom and no guilt, she just wants to feel something that she has been in searching for a long time and she has no reason to refuse!

She breaks….breaking in to pieces after her inner goddess comes to surface, leaving her heart panting, trying to pick herself up after what she calls her “hobbest” fantasy satisfying her soul! She straightens her head up to see his beautiful face and to watch him with pure awe…. But, reality kicks in!

Everything disappears as if it was all a projection of her imagination! The visions she actually thought she was living seconds ago are sucked up by a hoover back into her mind and she is back to where it all began…he walks towards her, looking in to her eyes…She looks like she is about to have a break down after what she imagined felt so real and so right, even though it was all so wrong, she’s in denial, this can’t be! It was all so real! As he walks over it felt like a deja vu and she feels hopeful…hopeful that it will happen just like she fantasized! Full of hope she gives him a small smile and;

He reaches towards her and as she holds her breath for a second or so, he says…

“Sorry!”…grabbing the hair wax he needs to use and turns his back, walking away from her…

Escape in to spacemind

I sit in a room where I can only see nothing but walls, everything else is non-living but the walls… It’s like they can see me as if they understand my expressions and feel for me by making a move, bending their human-like faces to a side as they look straight through my eyes…

I think and think again until my brain is in pain from thinking too much, creating more than what there already is, wanting to explode by watching a scenario of what my mind has set up to play by using the events in my life becoming series of what stress can cause you and all I want is to feel nothing but freedom… freedom of mind is what I crave for in a prisoned soul.

Then I come up with a simple method to feel numb, which is by far one the best things I can do in a mad world full of ups and downs which can only be watched through a window without making a move to stop the bad and the good from turning themselves in to pieces of disgust which is what our mind can lead us to do as a result of overthinking of not thinking at all…Never a balance! Oh yes, and here comes to mind the famous wise words of a very wise man who once told a nation; “We think too much and feel too little”… but what if sometimes thinking less and feeling too much is what breaks us down bringing on the pain of regret.

I try to escape the walls in the living room by feeling pitiful in their eyes and walk in to my room, which I call my sanctuary, filled with my energy … the positive and negative vibes of what I have felt till this day…oh it feels heavenly and so warm with bright colours that do not match but which create a trippy journey in to my own dream land where I rule… this is my home…my room!

My emotions now shifted from feeling pathetic and useless into feeling slightly mellow! I’m not hurt to feel negative but I’m not pleased with what I see through my projection of life to feel happy… My mind and thoughts are blank as if they’re stoned, I just don’t want to think no longer!

What can I do to change this? Where can I start from?  What is the problem? "Questions to be answered" is all I can think of for the moment…

I pick up a lighter and light it so I can give life to an incense releasing the smoke of Opium into my lungs and feel…relaxed! I breathe in and create a form of cell on my bed by grabbing my headphones and laptop to start off, in my words, the angel sessions… Music begins with a beat so beautiful everything suddenly disappears... You wonder, what can be so beautiful to erase all the questions raised, it’s simple…Just like everyone else I have a special place I like to visit because it makes me feel good just by being there and doing nothing but listen to music. The beat touches me and it’s so soothing my pulse rate drops, my muscles relax and I find what I am looking for…peace. I feel it in my veins as it pulls my strings and soul to rise in to the light… and so I let go… I let it evolve around me as I sink in to the music. Music is there to feel not to listen to without emotions, you have to feel it, let it captivate your body and mind!

Suddenly, I’m inspired. I finally come face to face with my inner goddess making out with my inner peace aggressively, as if they were apart for so long, all they needed was inspiration for them to re-join. Now I feel ready to think of all that has happened without being forced to come up with a solution to what has been going on. The only rational answer I can come up with is the thought of whatever happens in life is for a reason…it’s to happen so that I can become me!

As I appreciate a masterpiece of what sounds can create, I say...

“Let it come and let it be…”